Category: Personal

So it’s 4:15 on Sunday morning. I’ve been awake for several hours already. I wish that I could say that it was for spiritual reasons. Like maybe I was burdened in prayer for something and the Lord wouldn’t let me sleep until I prayed. Or as I anticipated Sunday morning worship I was so excited that I had to get up and spend time in the Word preparing my soul for what God was going to say to me. But it is for none of those reasons. Truth be told there is a dog in a pen right behind our house that has been barking for several hours.

I am typically a great sleeper but there are 2 things that I absolutely cannot sleep through. One is snoring and the other is a barking dog. I think it is the regularity of the noise that bothers me. Just knowing that every 20 seconds there is going to be a fresh blast of acoustical commotion keeps me wide eyed and alert. There is also the ridiculous hope that I somehow maintain that the last eruption will indeed be the LAST eruption – so I eagerly wait hoping not to hear anything until I of course hear the same thing that I have been listening too for hours.

Those many people who have been with me on mission trips in previous years  can attest to the lengths I will go to avoid snorage. I have been known to create “snoring rooms” and to banish all those afflicted with this nasal anomaly to the uttermost parts of the property. But what do I do about a dog in the middle of the night. I am not a gun owner so that is out of the equation. If I was I would be more tempted to use it on the owner than on the dog. To me it is the epitome of rudeness and un-neighborliness to allow your canine companion to bark all night is an outside kennel. It’s not like they are 4 acres away on very private property – it is literally 75 feet from my back window. Probably closer to my house than to his. I am also not a cop caller in the middle of the night. I don’t even know if that is something they would respond to anyway. Nor am I the angry neighbor that throws bricks through windows to get somebody’s attention. So I will suffer through a night without sleep and then probably forget about it tomorrow – only to be reminded about it tomorrow night. Hopefully not.

But if you happen to read this and you happen to see me at church in the morning and you happen to notice me walking around in a zombie like state – then please pray for the state of my soul as I deal with my anger issues – and perhaps offer to get me a cup of coffee: 3 splenda, 2 creams. And a pastry would be nice too.

So Linda and I are dog sitting this weekend. First time we have had a dog in our house in three and a half years. We have had 2 dogs since we got married. Both golden retrievers. We got Cassidy while we were in Massachusettes when I was in seminary. She was with us for 7 years and died right before Tucker was born in 1990. We got Molly in January of 1994 after we moved to Durham. She lived just over 13 years. Golden retrievers are wonderful dogs. Great pets – though don’t let them know that they are not people as they will be offended. And yes we are most definitely dog people. Not cat people. Don’t ask us to cat sit. It ain’t gonna happen. So this is Duke. He has taken to us quite nicely. A very laid back mutt. Doesn’t demand attention. Doesn’t beg for food. Seems to be content to just lie around and be a dog. My kind of pooch.

So in honor of Duke and given that it is Christmas here is a little doggie humor for you to enjoy:

Holiday Etiquette for Dogs

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

– – don’t pee on the tree
– – don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree
– – mind your tail when you are near the tree
– – if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open
– – don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:

– – not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
– – don’t eat off the buffet table
– – beg for goodies subtly
– – be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
– – don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

– -observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses.
– – respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
– – tolerate children
– – turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON’T BITE HIM!!

My pillow – I don’t know about you but I am very particular about my pillow. I can’t sleep on just any pillow. in fact if it is not a pillow I don’t like, then I can’t sleep. I’m a foam pillow kind of guy. Don’t give me one of those pillows where your head still feels like it sinks to the mattress when you lie on it. I’ve even been known to ask hotel managers if I can have (or buy) one of their pillows if I really like it. I believe the pillow I currently have came from Country Inn and Suites a few years ago.

Nose and ear hair trimmers – For those of you who are still on the young side of life you will find that as you get older hair will start growing in places you really don’t want it to. I hate those pesky little hairs that pop out of my nose and compete for face time with my mustache. Enter my nose hair attachment and zip – that wiry sucker is history.

Loofahs – Okay, I admit it, I use a loofah. And I like it. I’m not a manly man that washes with just a bar of soap. Neither do I use a wash rag. I love the way a loofah gives me consistent soapiness throughout the entire shower experience.

Hoodies – I love fall and winter if for no other reason than I get to wear hoodies. The pullover kind not the zip up kind. And especially ones that have pockets. Maybe it’s because of my hairlessness that I love the hood on the hoodie. All I know is that they sure do help me to stay warmer this time of year.

My Droid X – This is the only tech gadget that makes my list. I’ve only had a smartphone for a couple of weeks but I gotta tell you that it is an impressive piece of equipment. Who would have thought 10 years ago that I could carry in my pocket not just a phone but a camera, a video camera, a Bible, a photo album, a calculator, a web browser, a radio, a TV, a newspaper, and I’m sure much more that I haven’t even discovered yet. I’m a fan.

I really have so very much to be thankful for. And not so much the stuff that I have as the people in my life – and the fact that God has “rescued me from the dominion of darkness and brought me into the kingdom of His Son.” Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Seems like we just celebrated Thanksgiving about a year ago and here we are again. It’s always good to be reminded that we should be thankful. I know that I do not say thank you enough to enough people. And I do not say thank you enough to God for the abundant blessing upon my life. Since this is a thanksgiving post let me go ahead and list the things that you would expect me to be thankful for: My wife, my kids, my extended family, my health, my job, food and shelter everyday day, great friends, great colleagues, and on and on. I wanted to spend a few minutes here listing some things that I realize I take for granted that I am extremely thankful for. For example:

Zippers – I once had a pair of pants that had buttons instead of a zipper. What a pain. I was thinking this morning how much I take for granted the fact that every day I can zip up my britches. And don’t you just love those plastic bags that are zip lock – instead of trying to line up those thingies that you are supposed to press together. I sure do.

Toilet paper – Here’s a little toilet paper history you probably didn’t know – Joseph Gayetty is widely credited with being the inventor of modern commercially available toilet paper in the United States. It was first introduced in 1857 as Gayetty’s Medicated Paper and was sold in packages of flat sheets, watermarked with the inventor’s name. I’m not EVEN going to comment on that last line. The jokes should jump off the page. I will say this though – if you have ever used bad TP then you can understand why I am thankful for good toilet paper. Now I come from a generation that has by and large always had decent paper to work with. But apparently my pastor has not. A recent reference in a sermon to the Sear’s Catalogue left me with a picture that I would just assume had never gotten into my head. One other thought: Whoever developed 2-ply should be given an award. That single ply stuff is not worth a cr…. Pun intended. (not sure if I can say the word since I’m a pastor)

Electric blankets – I gotta say that I do love climbing into bed at this time of year when the sheets are nice and toasty. Now my wife will tell you that it is her very favorite part of the day. This is because her feet stay at a temperature of 27 degrees. I know this because the first thing she does when she gets in bed is show me how cold her feet are. Every single night. I’ve tried to tell her that I believe her when she tells me how cold her tootsies are but for some reason she feels compelled to prove it to me. So the electric blanket has become a good friend who helps me make it through the cold winters and helps me put up with cold feet. Cold feet I can deal with. So thankful that my wife does not have a cold shoulder.

It used to bother me to think about losing my hair. Now that I am seasoned (as opposed to old) I realize all the benefits of being follicly challenged. Here are a few that come to mind:

I’ve got a great fraternity of other bald dudes (and dudettes): Chris Daughtry, Marc Francis, Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Andre Agassi, Homer Simpson, Jason Statham, Michael Jordan, Al Huffman, Sean Connery, Van Diesel, Britney Spears, Elmer Fudd, Dr. Phil, Stone Cold Steve Austin … ‘nuf said!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE  not having to pay for hair cuts.

I never ever have to think about packing a hair dryer on trips.

I can use soap on my head as well as the rest of my body – no need to switch from one bottle to another.

The testosterone that I have left at 52 years of age does not have to be channeled towards keeping hair on my head.

It may give me yet one more thing that I will have in common with my sons and son-in-law.

I get my head rubbed by random people (seriously, this happens!).

And my favorite…

It will give me a conversation starter with Elisha the prophet when I meet him in heaven:  Elisha went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!”   And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys. (2 Kings 2:23-24)

The only down side I can see to being bald is that I get colder quicker. There’s no insulation so to speak. But even with that it just gives me a good excuse to wear a cool looking hat. So I’m embracing baldness and highly recommend it to those of you who were not “chosen” to be hairless. As someone once said, “God only made so many perfect heads, the rest He covered with hair!”